Treadmill

Unless some psycho is chasing me with a really big knife or there is only one pair of size 7 ½ Jimmy Choo boots left on sale for 75% off, I really see no reason to run. I don’t like running; my lungs scream for air, my knees feel like they are being twisted off and everything jiggles making me feel I am breaking down whatever resistance the body has to gravity.

But part of a healthy lifestyle is of course exercise and I am on a quest to find the perfect exercise routine for me. And apparently some form of cardio is essential. Luckily I was told that the cardio does not have to be running – walking if fine. Great. I like to walk. I especially like to walk through shopping districts or through the streets of Paris. Unfortunately I don’t live in Paris and shopping is not considered cardio. (Personally I don’t really agree – how can hours of walking carrying heavy bags not be exercise? Plus all that lifting of the credit card? Seems like tons of calories would be burned pulling that red hot sucker in and out of the wallet.)

Anyway the treadmill seemed like the next logical step in my quest for an exercise routine I could love. Since I already had a trial gym membership from my free weightlifting session I suited up and headed for the gym. Hundreds of machines stood at the ready, waiting for me to hop on. I took a quick glance at the other patrons taking advantage of the treadmills. They were equally divided between stick thin, super fit looking women and huge muscle-bound men. Ok! Exciting. In just a few short weeks I will be looking just like those uber-fit treadmill mamas.

Then I noticed something else. They were all sweating. Profusely. Sweat was pour down their faces and necks. Sweat was pouring down from places I never knew could sweat. And all that sweat was dripping on the treadmills. EEWH! Gross. I knew in my head that the machines were probably cleaned regularly but I just couldn’t bring myself to touch things I was certain had soaked up thousands of gallons of other people’s sweat.

It seemed like some shopping was in order. I started searching on line for a treadmill. Eeks. Sticker shock! How was I going to tell my hubby I was going to plunk down a couple grand for something I THINK I am going to use?

Enter my good friend Darrell. He tells me to take the treadmill he bought his wife – she only used it once since buying it a year ago. Woo Hoo! Free treadmill! (Of course who knows how much it will end up costing me in the end as Darrell’s wife has thrown him out and he will now be residing with us for life.)

I hopped on the sucker, instantly in love with all the stats it spewed out – distance, calories, time, etc. I hit the incline (better for bringing the butt back up to where it belongs instead of residing somewhere around the back of the knees) and started at it.

Boring! The minutes passed like hours.

Not to be deterred, I tried reading a book at the same time. I kept losing my place and balance and while I will spare you the gory details it resulted in a scene that can only be described as “Lucy Ricardo tries the treadmill”.

Hubby to the rescue. He hooked up a TV to the treadmill, equipped with dvd player and cable. I love TV! Old and new, good and bad and everything in between. I am addicted to housewives – both the Desperate ones from Wisteria Lane and the Real ones from Orange County. I love talk shows and soap operas and re-runs of Bewitched and The West Wing. To my credit and shame I know all the words to, among others, the Gilligan’s Island theme song. Trouble is I have way too much to do to justify spending time watching TV. But if I am exercising and watching TV – now that’s productive!

Now when I am torn between doing the work I have to do and watching TV, which is what I want to do – I simply jump on the treadmill, walk up hill, sweat profusely and watch away. Oh the joy of guilt-free TV watching! And hey – if I can get my heart rate up, burn calories AND learn how to fashion a radio out of coconuts and a pair of Mrs. Howell’s diamond earrings, then I say that’s a half hour well spent!

Treadmill Recap:

Cost:

Clothing – $0.00

Treadmill – $0.00 (except possibly the loss of a friend – hopefully not)

Calories Burned:

376 per hour

Another 15 to 20 channel surfing

Probability of adding weight lifting to my gluten free life routine:

Yeah Baby! After all the new season of American Idol has started!

Next up – Bikini Bootcamp!

(photo sources weheartit and Patick Demarcheiler)

diet, exercise, Gluten Free, recipes